The Infamous Testicle Duo +1

The hungry testicle monster let our a ferouscious roar as he ripped the
testicles from tom cruises' bloody crotch. the poor bastard screamed in
pain, while the testicle monster ran from the church into the sunset... he
was still hungry. Tom cruise was ok for now, but he had nothing compared to
the ripe testicles of "the three stoogies", "the muskiteers", also known as
"the infamous testicle duo +1" (aka: andrew carr, andrew McDavid, and the
magnificent Eric McCockerson). Meanwhile, back in Seattle The three brave men
soared loaded their weapons and got in their cars. the president just
informed them that the testicle monster was heading for washington DC and he
looked hungry. Bill clinton is a good friends with the infamous testicle
duo +1, for he too, has a large penis, and that is why the american public
elected him for a 7 term as president. Andrew carr yelled out "i have an
idea!" andrew mcdavid and eric both yelled "no!" The dancing bear never had
good ideas to begin with. Mcdavid explained his theory, if they could
somehow get the testicle monster towards georgia, they could nuke him,
because nobody likes Georgia. Eric answered "ill do it... i know i know, my
testicles are too important to risk my life, but this is the president of the
united states, and besides, i feel like killing some testicle monsters...
Eric jumped in his BMW and hit the "Fast" button. Cruising at about Mach 12,
Eric got to georgia in about 2 minutes, and the testicle monster soon
followed. Eric pulled out his special made 55 mm Dusch/Glock and confronted
the monster. The testicle monster reared itself on its hind legs, licked
its lips, and roared as Eric flipped forward, and under the beasts legs.
Eric fired two shots, one to each knee cap, the monster fell upon the stumps
left for legs and wept. Eric felt like giving the creature mercy, but he
looked to the good book for answers.... he flipped the pages to Testicles
3:16. "thought shalt not show mercy for testicle monsters". so Eric
holstered his 55 mm Dusch/Glock and walked away just when the bitch rolled
over and spit a ball of fire towards the hero. All eric could do is duck and
hope for the best... when all of a sudden, an apache helicopter soared over
head, spilling computer disks upon computer disks over eric to protect him.
The computer disks instantly melted over eric protecting him from the fire...
The apache turned around and came back at the testicle monster, firing two
side winders into the beast killing it. After all the disks were removed
from eric, he looked into the cockpit of the apache to find the two men who
saved him... his partners in crime, andrew carr and andrew mcdavid. He
approached the machine and asked where they got all the disks, and andrew
carr explained they were his old disks. Eric asked "well, what was on the
disks?" andrew replied... "pornography, only the stuff i got bored with."
And so ends this story... but not our saga... for as long as there are hungry
testicle monsters, there is a danger to our man kind. however, there is no
danger for brad pit and leonardo decraprio cause they have very small penis's.

-the end

Interview with a Testicle Monster

Eons ago, during the paleotesticle era, food for dinosaurs started to run scarce, and in order to survive, the dinousars had to adapt to eat the testicle plant. These testiculous plants flourished for thousands of years, creating the warm goey testicle seed. The testicle seed has a warm flesh outside, with a creamy liquid core. Unfortunately, the testicle plants started to disappear, because the dinosaurs ate them to extinction. When the testicle plant became extinct, the dinsoaurs did, too. Only a few dinasuars survived off the testicles of other species, these creatures are known as.... TESTICLE MONSTERS!!!!
Testicle monsters still exist in the world today, they roam the world in search of the ripest testicles. But there is one prize man that is continuosly on the run from testicle monsters. He is a man with unbelievable courage, good looks, grace, and surprising large testicles.... his name is.... Eric! The testicles monsters are always on the look out for this boy of great stamina and large girth. He is pursed through valleys and mountains... oh yeah, mountains.... anyway, this is where our story begins.

-Book of Testicles, 10-18

Lord Huffington vs. Brad Pitt

10 pm, it's raining slightly. I'm drunk off my ass on the sweet scent of testicles. I can smell them everywhere.
    "So, Lord Huffington, I hear you like the testicles?" I nod yes, drunkenly. I wish President Clinton would stop asking me all these questions, and turn me loose on the 103rd congresses testicles, that is, onto the ones that haven't sold them out to big business, yet.
    "Can I have my testicles yet?" I ask, hopefully not sounding too desperate.
    "Let's get our business terms straight, first. All I have to do is let you into the Senate building, and you'll eat all of their testicles?"
    "Yes. That's all I require." President Clinton heads off, probably back to his family. He climbs into a car, and starts off into the direction of the Whitehouse, only stopping for a moment to give some poor young lady a ride. I'm free to eat all the testicles I desire tomorrow! But now, I must plan for the coming day. And go find some testicles to eat, how could I forget?

    Traveling back to my mountain testicle lair, I notice something strange. The people here, in Delaware, have no testicles, and I haven't eaten them, yet. Something is horrible wrong here. I must investigate why these poor people are lacking testicles for no reason. I can feel a large stockpile of testicles in the Northwest corner of Dover. I race over there, in my testicle-mobile.
    The outside of this building looks non-descript. I move up, sneak around the building, and jimmy the backdoor open. Inside, it's dark, and I can hear the evil testicles busting machines at work, destroying my valuable life giving material. Quickly, I run to the stockpile of testicles. I can hear them screaming! They want out! I must help them. I am just about to pop a testicle into my mouth, when I hear a voice behind me.
    "Hey, what are doing with my testicles!" My blood froze. It was my arch nemesis, Brad Pitt. He gets all, the sugar, all the women, all the power, and all of those testicles that should be mine! He's also gay, so, if you're a women and reading this, do not say he is hot. He wouldn't have sex with you anyway. But I, Lord Huffington, of Testicle Town, would. So, have sex with me.
    "So, Brad, we meet again." The last time I saw him was in 1850, during the civil war. He was about to assassinate President Lincoln, when I jumped in the way of his gun, and viciously tore his testicles to the other side of the Mississippi. One of these days, I'll find out who controls Brad, and I'll destroy the whole testicle-stealing, slavery supporting, evil syndicate.
    Brad had changed, in 150 years. He had stole a new body, and was as evil as ever. This new body, actually had testicles! I couldn't possibly allow a nefarious character to have testicles, when he could misuse them for evil. So, with a quick, blinding upward stroke, I rended his testicles from his evil body.
    "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! My testicles, they're GONE!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" Brad screamed in agony. Brad disappeared in a flash of light. Once again, the world had been made safe for the forces of testicle goodness, at least for a while. However, I had one last thing to take care of.
    The piles of testicles were very, very sick. They had been under Brad's evil influence for too long, and there was nothing I could do to save them. So I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to destroy the testicles. I stepped out of the building, with a growing sense of doom about what came next. I focused my testicle ray onto the building, and the building exploded in a flash of light. I felt something like millions of tiny voices crying out, and then were suddenly silenced. Brad may have been stopped, but at what cost?

Regards,

Lord Huffington

You can reach Lord Huffington at totemh8r@mailcity.com.